Now, the basic mechanics of the old so eloquently named “In-Out” you should have
figured out about five minutes into your first episode of Baywatch. As anyone who’s
rounded third base will tell you, the female body is amongst the strangest, most
wonderful, and perilous mountain you’re likely to climb, and like snowflakes, dental
records and Rob Schneider movies, no two are exactly the same. You can think,
screw and study until you’re blue in the face, but you’ll never know all there is to
know, and we won’t either. What you can do is learn from our collected mistakes
over the years, and avoid some of the most common blunders. Beyond that, just do
what all the greats have done before you, fake it ‘till you make it.
Here’s a news flash to all the men reading this that don’t know already. Dry sex is
painful sex for the fairer sex. Sometimes they can get wet enough just from the look
you’re giving them across the salad bar, sometimes they’re going to want a good
tongue lashing before the main event, and sometimes you’re just going to have to
bite the bullet and grab some KY from the medicine cabinet. It’s not a reflection
upon your manliness, it’s not that her head’s not in the game, but it’s never a bad
thing to have on hand.
It’s a poorly kept secret that there are certain types of liquor in certain quantities
that tend to increase your lady’s proclivity for playing doctor, but even though her
engine might be revving a little higher, it’s umpteen times less likely that she can
reach orgasm after having imbibed more than a drink or two. It’s one of the bitter
facts of life that means a belly full of liquor is a shortcut to mediocrity. So if you can
keep it in moderation and still seal the deal, you’re likely to have a more memorable
evening. (as a postscript for our 420 friends, it seems your poison of choice does
tend to help both parties get a little closer, so if that’s your thing, go nuts).
The Same Old Same Old
Ask any married guy, and they’ll tell you they have a system of pulls, tweaks, licks
and sticks and they genuinely stick to the script (unless it’s their birthday or they
just got a raise or something). Your buddy and his wife have figured out there own
little system, they’re embarrassingly comfortable with each other, and they both
know what to do with each other. If you’re just getting acquainted with the new
body beside you, you’re both bringing your own set of past experiences and tricks
into the mix, and the sad fact is what works for one woman isn’t what works for
another (see: snowflakes). That’s why you have to pay attention to the cues she’s
giving you, and take some mental notes. Be savvy, don’t just put your head down,
and with any luck the two of you will meet somewhere in the middle.
Full Steam Ahead
Picture it: You’re scratching your dog’s belly while you watch the Dukes of Hazzard,
you scratch a spot on his ribcage and his leg starts twitching a little bit, so you
scratch a little harder and a little faster until his leg starts going completely apeshit.
Easy right? Wrong. Dogs are simple, woman are not simple. Because your lady
friend is squealing on account of your hitting the right spot, is not a green light to go
hog wild and start drilling like you were BP at the end of the world. The trick is, do
exactly what you were doing before, same bat-place, same bat-speed, that is, until
she directs you with further instructions (or reaches for her Sodoku).
Be a Man
Everybody likes to be taken care of once in a while. Show me a guy who doesn’t
like getting head while he’s writing an advice column and drinking his coffee and
I’ll show you a lunatic, but the fact of the matter is, you’re a man who needs to go
and build the house of love. The women of our generation have taken a wrecking
ball to the status quo, they’re money-making, painful shoe-wearing, no shit-taking
dynamos, but (lucky for us) there’s still a realm of human lives wherein we fellas,
with our strong arms and musky whathaveyous, are still indispensible. So when the
pair of you are undressed, behave like a man and take control. Not a caveman mind
you, but a man. If this is confusing, just imagine what Steve McQueen would be doing
in your shoes, and proceed.