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Swag Bible

Swagger Cheats

The common advice always goes, “Take care of the little things, and the big things
take care of themselves”. It’s the little habits we take up that, collected all together,
makeup most of what we do in a day.

There are little tricks each of us use privately in our lives to save minutes on a day,
make our lives easier, ingratiate ourselves to friends and strangers, and generally
paddle up the river a little smarter. Swagger’s plumbed the depths of our collective
common sense and then went to Google, which was kinda better. The happy result
– Swagger’s list of painless cheats to make it better. Use them well, dear reader, use
them well.

#1. Smile!

It’s not always easy to put a happy spin on things, and sometimes you’d rather
snuggle with an angry possum than answer the phone. But hey, if you have to do
it, put on your biggest smile… Even if you’re miserable, smiling puts your brain in a
better frame of mind and drags the rest of you along with it. Try it! This is how fake
people have been getting along for centuries!

#2. Mood Lighting

If you strap your cellphone to a water bottle, the glow is somewhere between
“ethereal” and “patio lantern”. It’s the poor man’s lava lamp – try it out!

#3. Tape Deck Phone Deck

These empty tape cases are somewhere in your storage. They work so well that’s
it’s really hard to believe it was once used to store data. I sort of felt bad for
throwing away my Megadeth tape, but then I thought, “stop that”.

#4. Open packages with common cents

You are not an animal, and the poor souls who think it’s alright to open things with
their teeth deserve neither the dental care needed to fix their errors of judgment nor
the sympathy for a poor upbringing. The coins jingling and jangling in your pocket
will save you the forever shame.

#5. Disgrace proof your PC

If your will doesn’t stipulate that your browser history be erased post-haste, call
your estate planner. In the meantime, if you’re worried about any Google searches
revealing an unflattering history of your deviance, a few quick keystrokes, and like
that, poof, you’re in the clear.

#6. Keep up appearances

Speaking as a writer, I can tell you the greatest enemy of productivity is a wandering
mind. So even if you’re working from your bed, if you find yourself drifting, go have
a shower. It’s amazing how your outward appearance affects your frame of mind,
even if the only one there to appreciate it is your dog.

#7. Beat the Bottle

The cork is quietly becoming a product of a bygone era, but there are still plenty of
opportunities to make a fool of yourself when you don’t have a corkscrew. If you’ve
got a hammer and a nail, you need never fear a dry evening again, or the chance to
show off.

#8. You’ve lost that Creamy Feelin’

Ice cream in the freezer is always good to have on standby, nothing solves a bad
fight with the lady friend quicker than a bowl of rocky road, and throwing the whole
kit in a ziplock afterwards means giving a boost to your powers of reconciliation.
Or, hey, just have a snack yourself, we’re not judging.

#9. The Power is Yours

You’ve got forty different stressed out people trying to finish reports, email their
moms, or check the scores, and you’ve got 1 little outlet. The airports do have a way
of making you feel like chattel, but keeping a power bar in your laptop bag will make
you look like the biggest hero since that fella who landed his plane in the Hudson.

#10. It’s in the Bag

You see that guy spilling his groceries, trying to do it all in one trip and dropping
cans of soup and bags of milk everywhere. He’s on the verge of tears, the poor sap.
Don’t be that guy.

#11. The Hero of the patio

The only drawback to patios I can conjure up is that in the real sweltering days they
will warm up your beer faster than you can drink it. Ask the waitress for a cup of
ice, pull off this trick, then ask for her number.

#12. Keep it to yourself.

Maybe you don’t want everybody and their dog to know how to get a hold of your
Visa via your gmail account. A little placebo goes a long way!

Written by: Jeremy P Beal

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