It’s a welcome trade any young man makes, the emergence of strange, largely
unwanted hair coincides with the ability to connect the biological dots and
actually start romancing the stone, so to speak. In ages past, the trade was a less
But this is 2012, and the age of letting hair do what god intended has come and
gone. Unless you’re a celibate, a man of the mountains or a POW some minimum
care is absolutely required, but this isn’t the sort of lesson your dad’s ever going
to teach you, so for the confused and the uninitiated alike, Swagger is putting out a
general how-to guide. Don’t thank us, really.
The first thing to remember is to be careful, for Christ’s sake. A slip of the wrist
whilst your shaving your face means minor pain and embarrassment, but a slip on
your balls could spell the kind of discomfort reserved for the director’s cut of the
next Saw sequel.
If there’s a woman alive who finds back hair attractive, she’s probably already
working at the circus, so it’s safe to say that any back hair is too much back hair.
If you’re one of those fellas who’s got a shag rug over your shoulders, you have to
do something about it. It’s probably easier to shave an angry raccoon than your
own back, so unless you’re an extremely rich man who doesn’t have to give a shit,
you’d better have a very generous lady friend who’s handy with a razor, or an
appointment with the laser clinic. Razor, nair, electrolysis, no weapon is too severe.
It’s a war, but it’s a just war.
I’m here to dispel a myth when it comes to this area. The women folk don’t mind
it nearly as much as we think they might, they’re sleeping with a man, not Ziggy
Stardust, so don’t sweat over it too bad. That said, there’s as many right and wrong
ways to touch up the chest as there are types of chest hair, but with this one it’s
generally your comfort level and yours alone. If you can live with it, and it’s not
creeping up into your neckline like some sort of sentient black vine, you’re probably
ok, but if you’re cutting, make sure to cut it uniformly. Don’t shave some parts and
trim others, get the job done with one tool alone, and keep it simple. There’s too
many things that can go wrong.
The Nether Regions
This is where the rubber meets the road, and if you’re interested in your date
spending any considerable time down there attending to your business, letting the
garden grow wild is a pretty shitty thing to do. You don’t want to be spending any
time digging through the muff wilderness anymore than she does, so follow the
golden rule. Going completely shorn presents certain advantages, but upkeep is
too but you run the serious risk of having a girl scrunch her face and worry about
how much time and effort you’re spending on your tackle. The worst thing in the
world you can ever do is try and be funny about your pubes. You don’t want to be
the guy who’s carved a Christmas tree into his groin, and a woman would be well
within her rights to post that monstrosity to every Facebook friend she’s ever made.
After you’ve passed out from too many Jager Bombs.
Having Swagger means walking the fine line, knowing thyself and knowing
moderation. It comes down to personal style, but don’t ever catch yourself over-
thinking it. Remember, you’re not a yeti, and you’re not some weird, Dr. Evil Cat
either, you’re a man with Swagger. When in doubt, choose symmetry, and always
proceed with caution.