There is a time for all great men to submit their greatest hits, the tales of their wild oats sewn, and a list of conquests, the times when greatness knocked and they answered. Because even though a man of Swagger is a gentleman, he’s still a man guided by his senses who knows that time spent with a naked member of the fairer sex is time well spent, but some times are more special than others. With that, we presents
The Swagger Bucket List: the Ultimate Checklist for a man of the field.
It doesn’t matter where you make your living, if you’re getting laid while you’re on the clock, you’ve definitely got a trophy coming your way. Office intrigue has a pretty low success rate in terms of nobody getting embarrassed afterwards, so a man with Swagger knows the best office sex happens when you sneak somebody in for that expressed purpose.
7 Times in a Day:
Necessary Ingredients: A willing partner, a day to kill, protein shakes and whole bunch of lube. Somewhere around number 4 this will stop being fun and start being a chore for both of you. Hold fast man, Everest must look easy from the pictures too, but it’s only the real men of Swagger that rise to the summit.
Over the course of 24 hours, the man who beds three different women on three separate occasions is by law allowed to take your cap and wear it as his own. The hat trick is as bold a statement as you can make: It means expert endurance, creativity and time management. Good things, ahem, cum in threes.
So long as it’s between consenting adults, and it’s not being filmed for some weird Maury sweeps week episode, then bedding your date’s sister/mother/18+ daughter is a distinguishing feather in any Swagger Man’s cap. Banging the girlfriend’s mom may be the subject of some 14% of all pornography, but it’s almost always a good idea to keep this conquest to yourself. Apart from being a pretty serious Taboo, if there’s a son/brother/father somewhere in the mix, he’s pretty much bound by honor to murder you.
Don’t listen to Ryan Reynolds, on this or any other matter: The golden ratio is two girls, a guy and a pizza place. Finding a woman goodly enough to sleep with you is a pleasure in and of itself, but two simultaneously belongs to a category of it’s own. Whether it’s because your girlfriend likes to experiment, you just won the WSOP, or you’re just the smoothest talker the old folks home has ever seen, give your self a hand.
We classify an Orgy as any group sex besides our textbook “threesome”. It’s usually a buffet-styled serve yourself affair, so even just “being there” a la Tommy Cruize in “Eyes Wide Shut” counts, but really, once you’re there, you might take the freaker’s ball for all it’s worth right? You get serious bonus points if you happened upon the orgy by accident (or by pizza delivery).
It’s a time of mourning sure, but do you think Grandpa Joe would want you sulking around his corpse, or trying to goose the receptionist from his old folks home who came to pay her respects. Getting tail at a funeral is just about the textbook definition of “mixed emotions” but if it’s good enough for Will Ferrel, it’s good enough for you.
Planes Trains and Automobiles:
Getting away with one on public transit is walking the finest line between swagger and skeezy, but if you’re on the side of the angels you’ll always get away with nobody knowing the better. Use blankets, bathrooms, and back seats, and always play it cool. Just try and tone down that smile when you’re walking back to your seat.
You don’t get to cross this off if you’re flying a solo mission. The trick to getting caught sexing it up in a public place is to do it in such a way that it’s a story you tell and not a story people tell about you. If you’re caught, don’t waste any time trying to deny it, just smile and make like it was all worth it, because if you’re lucky, it was.
Hot For Teacher:
There are certain people out there who want to tell you this constitutes a breech of trust and authority, that seducing a current or former teacher, TA or professor is dubious and unethical. I refer these naysayers to Van Halen, and then I rest my case. If you can convince a person who’s job it is to teach you a slice of academia that you’re a viable sexual candidate, you deserve as many pats on the back as you can stand.
Written by Jeremy P Beal