We live in a culture that encourages and enables narcissism, and nowhere is this phenomenon better showcased than in the advent of the selfie. The problem is there’s plenty of instances where taking a picture of yourself in an interesting predicament is completely appropriate, but those proper moments are awash in an angry sea of nonsense and duckfaces. Somebody has to reel this thing in before we pass the point of no return, and the good people at Swagger are just the men for the job.
To that end, we present:
Swagger’s Definitive Guide to the Do’s and Don’ts of Self Photography.
Do: If you’ve just accomplished something exceptional (ie: wrestled and subdued a crocodile, downed an enemy fighter jet, scaled a legitimate mountain, bought a Bugatti) and there is no one around who can dependably verify the story, it is appropriate to take a selfie.
Don’t: If your entrée has arrived, if you’re stuck in the worst traffic ever, if you’ve just finished a bottle of Patron Silver, or a pair of running shoes, it is inappropriate to take a selfie.
Rule of Thumb: Don’t take an “Achievement Selfie” unless people won’t believe you achieved it otherwise.
Do: If you’ve just had a life-altering surgery, beat cancer, taken your first steps after a spinal injury, had an amputation, had 140 stitches on account of a crocodile wrestling snafu, or just got a tattoo to commemorate a lost one or confirm your compliance with a losing bet, it is appropriate to take a selfie of you and/or your affected area.
Don’t: If you’re “feeling the burn” from your 30 minutes of crossfit and want to show all your followers just how cut you’re getting after only 4 weeks, it is inappropriate to take a selfie.
Rule of Thumb: Imagine a woman’s happy surprise to find out you’re cut after you’ve already won her over with your shirt on. Nobody, we mean nobody ever, wants to see you flex your delts.
Do: If you’ve met a substantial celebrity (C-list or higher) after you’ve just saved them from a (3 – 5 alarm) fire or visa versa, it is appropriate to take a record of the event. Selfie away!
Don’t: If you hang out near a red carpet and casually wait for a celebrity to dart by for a picture that kinda looks like you’re chilling with Denzel, you are a crazy person and you need not take a selfie.
Rule of Thumb: Meeting people of note is an interesting and out of the ordinary experience, do not spoil this encounter by convincing them to take a picture with an arm draped around you, they don’t want to.
Do: If you’ve reached some exotic Shangri-La bucket list place that holds a great deal of significance to you or your family, lets say the pyramids, or Machu Picchu, or the Maple Leaf Gardens grocery store, or the place where they shot the wedding scene in “Braveheart”. Yeah, you made it there, by all means, it’s appropriate to take a selfie.
Don’t: If you’re heading into a restaurant, if you’re at a regular season game in your hometown, if you’re in your kitchen, it is inappropriate to take a selfie.
Rule of Thumb: There aren’t actually very many times in your life you can take a selfie and not look like a knob. Less is more gentlemen. we don’t mean to say “don’t take ‘em”, we only mean to say “Make ‘em count”.