As a dating coach, I show guys how to flirt like gentlemen, how to escape the friend zone, and how to approach in a way that women find charming.
Sooner or later, I get The Question: “How do I attract the 10s?”
It’s one of those timeless queries, right up there with, “What’s the meaning of life?” and “When will James Franco go away?”
Here’s good news, gents. Dating women who have it all—beauty, brains, a great personality—is easier than you think. Here are 10 ways to attract a perfect 10.
APPROACH IN THE DAYTIME
Bars and clubs are challenging places to meet woman of rare beauty. Chances are, model-caliber ladies are either cordoned off behind velvet ropes or sitting at $750-per-bottle tables. And the rest tend to have their guards up because they’ve been hit on all night. But the same stunner who shoots you down in a night club could be very receptive when you meet her during the day at a grocery store, in a park or at a coffee shop. Very few guys approach when the sun is out, so when they do, women take notice. That yoga goddess at your gym knows that it takes cojones to walk up to her and take a chance. So take action. The next thing you know, the two of you could be at the juice bar throwing back shots of vanilla-almond milk.
DON’T BE COOL—BE YOU
A lot of guys adopt a cooler-than-cool, Dos Equis-guy persona when talking to beautiful women. Big mistake. It comes across as try-hard and inauthentic, both turn-offs. Like any woman, a 10 wants to meet the real you, not a facade. There’s no need to “up your game” and bring your best stuff. That mindset creates tension. You’re talking to a girl, not trying to pitch a no-hitter. Lower the bar for how funny, clever and charismatic you have to be. Paradoxically, this makes it easier for you to be funny, clever and charismatic. The more at-ease you are, the more attracted she’ll be because all the other guys she meets are anxious and over-eager.
GET A WING WOMAN
When a beautiful girl sees that you’re out socializing with another attractive woman, you benefit from that social proof. She realizes, “Oh, women like him.” This makes it easier for her to like you because you’re there with a living, breathing Yelp review. You can even have your female ally approach girls on your behalf. Trust me: One good wing woman is worth a thousand wingmen.
SPEAK TO HER INNER NERD
Every swan was once an ugly duckling, or at least felt like one. When you’re talking to a 10, ask her about her nerdy, dorky youth—and share a story or two from your dweeby high-school days. This is not a tactic to make her feel insecure and less attractive. On the contrary—thanks to you, she’ll feel even sexier because you’re contrasting her present-day beauty with the pimply, braces-wearing girl she used to be. It also creates a connection. When you’re both being real and vulnerable, you’ll stop seeing her as a number and start seeing her as a person.
BE YOUR VERSION OF A 10
Maybe you lack washboard abs and a chiseled jaw. That’s OK. Women aren’t nearly as looks-oriented as men are. They see value in a guy’s sense of humor, presence, conversation skills, goals, ambitions and confidence. So when you talk to a 10, accentuate YOUR perfect-10 traits. If you don’t have 6-pack abs, show off your 6-pack personality.
YOU DON’T NEED TO BE A MILLIONAIRE…
My niece Delaney is a professional model who’s graced magazine covers. Her live-in boyfriend is not a super-rich banker or an Abercrombie & Fitch model. He’s a smart, solid, regular guy who works in sales. That’s right—nice, normal guys can date models! Beautiful women love nice guys.
…BUT YOU SHOULD HAVE A MILLIONAIRE MINDSET
One of my dating-coach mentors, Owen Cook, the co-founder of Real Social Dynamics, said something at a seminar that stayed with me. “A beautiful woman at a club is like a millionaire surrounded by paupers,” he said. In other words, when that 10 goes out for the night, she’s surrounded by men with their hands out. They want something: sex, validation, self-esteem. AS men, we must shift from taking to offering. Like a millionaire, you should have a mindset of abundance, of not lacking anything, of not needing any one woman to make you happy. When you talk to a 10, meet her on equal footing. You’re both millionaires, in a sense. When she sees you’re an abundant man who gives—authenticity, good energy, connection—you’ll stand out, and she’s more likely to be drawn to you.
BECOME A SHOE-IN
Go where the 10s are—and where your male competition is not. Check out the women’s shoe section at your local mall on a weekend afternoon. Lots of beautiful women, not a guy in sight.
BE DIRECT BUT FRIENDLY
The 10s are approached often, but they’re rarely approached well. Most guys go to one of two extremes—either too passive (afraid to put themselves out there) or too intense (looking at her like she’s a piece of mutton.) Both hurt your results. Find middle ground. Be direct while also warm, friendly. Smile. The ideal way to break the ice with a 10? Walk up, make good eye contact, smile, and say, “Hi. I just saw you and had to meet you.” She’ll be struck by your disarming mixture of honesty and heart.
LOSE BIG TO WIN BIG
I’m a golf fan, and I tell my clients about Jack Nicklaus’s greatest record: He won 18 major tournaments, most all-time. What’s less known is that Nicklaus finished second in 19 majors. That’s right—he “lost” more big events than he won. Similarly, if you want to date a 10, you’ll have to lose some 10s. You’ll approach and get rejected. You’ll get dates but get ghosted. This is OK. It’s part of the process. It’s only a real loss, a real failure, if you don’t try. To win big—landing a perfect-10 girlfriend—you must risk losing big. So I say, fail bigger. Because that’s how you’ll get the girl.
Dating expert Connell Barrett is the founder of DatingTransformation. He helps men attract amazing women as their most authentic, confident selves. To book a free call with him, go to DatingTransformation.com.