Oscar Swagger in a Nutshell

The Oscars are upon us, the Academy is accepting bribes as we speak, and it’s time
to begrudgingly watch sports on the small TV for a night. Either you think it’s the
world’s most glamorous party for grown ups, a circle jerk for prima donnas, or a
show of respect for the world’s most vaunted art form, the Oscars are upon us. A
man of Swagger knows he has to keep at least one foot in the pop culture world at
all times, so we’ve done our level best to bring you the “need-to-know” information
concerning the movies up for consideration and the personalities behind them.
Consider yourself in the know.

The Robbery
This year, like every year, saw no shortage of “Come on Man” moments after the
nominees were announced, but the two big ones that the annoying people at your
office are going to continually bring up are Ben Affleck’s “Argo” (the director, not
the movie, the movie was nominated), an Iranian hostage crisis caper, and Wes
Anderson’s (The nicest Enfant Terrible in Hollywood) “Moonrise Kingdom”, a
preteen love story.

Argo – is the next in a series of films designed to try and force us to take Ben
Affleck seriously. But rest easy because you don’t have to, even if the movie was
pretty good. Is the academy hesitant to recognize someone who’s committed such
atrocities as “Gigli” and “Did we mention Gigli?”? Yes they are. The Golden Globes,
the “Oscars your girlfriend won’t make you watch” gave him best director and best
drama, so he’ll be ok.

Moonrise Kingdom – was a lovely, quirky movie that is designed to appeal exactly
to Wes Anderson fans. The long line of hipsters who’re bound to complain about it
getting overlooked need look no further than the Arcade Fire to see how awkward
it gets when an “anti-pop” sentiment wins the big prize. It’s uncomfortable for
everybody, and getting overlooked is the best thing that could ever happen to his fan
base (though maybe not his bottom line).

The Heavies

Best Film

There’s like nine movies up for the top honour of the evening. 9. Does that sound
like too many?

Les Miserable – The movie you hopefully didn’t get caught crying at. This is the
umpteenth time this movie has been produced. It’s a period piece, there’s singing,
there’s babes in corsets they find a way to look not the least bit sexy. You’ve been
warned.

DJango Unchained – This is Tarantino at his best, Slave Revenge Flick. It’ll be a
complete gong show if it wins, and it won’t. But seriously, watch this movie.

Zero Dark Thirty – The assassination of Osama Bin Laden gets the Hollywood
treatment under Katherine Bigelow’s war-happy eye. This could win solely on
how big a dick that guy was; If there was ever a fella who deserved to be illegally
murdered by navy seals, it was him.

Lincoln – An interesting Biopic of one of America’s lesser known commanders-in-
chief. If you’re going to watch, a plastic mouth guard will keep you from grinding
your teeth when Sally Field whines.

The Six Other Movies – Why don’t they just nominate every movie made, heck, give
em all a trophy.

Best Actress

None of these seem any good, but I wouldn’t say no to a Jennifer Lawrence/Jessica
Chastain sandwich.

Best Actor

They should rename this trophy the “Daniel Day Lewis” cup, and rightly so. He’s the
closest to “genius” anybody in that profession ever got. Also, Bradley Cooper, the
guy who falls out of love with Sandra Bullock or whatever in every third movie he
does, got nominated, so that’s something.

Best Supporting Actor

De Niro, Chistoph Waltz, Tommy Lee Jones, Alan Arkin and Philip Seymour Hoffman.
A list of nominees and/or a bucketlist of people I want to have beers with. Each of
these guys have already won this award, so in a way they’re pretty selfish aren’t
they?

Best Short Film, Live Action:

Asad
Buzkashi Boys
Curfew
Death of a Shadow (Dood Van een Schaduw)
Henry

“I feel sort of shitty I haven’t seen any of these. Let’s just buy them all off iTunes and
have night of Shorts honey” said no man of Swagger ever.

The Robbery

This year, like every year, saw no shortage of “Come on Man” moments after the
nominees were announced, but the two big ones that the annoying people at your
office are going to continually bring up are Ben Affleck’s “Argo” (the director, not
the movie, the movie was nominated), an Iranian hostage crisis caper, and Wes
Anderson’s (The nicest Enfant Terrible in Hollywood) “Moonrise Kingdom”, a
preteen love story.

Argo – is the next in a series of films designed to try and force us to take Ben
Affleck seriously. But rest easy because you don’t have to, even if the movie was
pretty good. Is the academy hesitant to recognize someone who’s committed such
atrocities as “Gigli” and “Did we mention Gigli?”? Yes they are. The Golden Globes,
the “Oscars your girlfriend won’t make you watch” gave him best director and best
drama, so he’ll be ok.

Moonrise Kingdom – was a lovely, quirky movie that is designed to appeal exactly
to Wes Anderson fans. The long line of hipsters who’re bound to complain about it
getting overlooked need look no further than the Arcade Fire to see how awkward
it gets when an “anti-pop” sentiment wins the big prize. It’s uncomfortable for
everybody, and getting overlooked is the best thing that could ever happen to his fan
base (though maybe not his bottom line).

 

Written by:  Jeremy Beal

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